OOC and Other Natural Disasters
by kikofreako
Summary: The problem even Max can't solve? Crappy characterization, raging clichés, and enough teenage angst to make even Robert Pattinson sob. These are the case files of Maximum Ride fanfiction gone wrong. A parody. CASE FOUR: Nudge.
1. Max

**OOC and Other Natural Disasters**_  
The problem even Max can't solve? Crappy characterization, raging clichés, and enough teenage angst to make Robert Pattinson sob. These are the case files of Maximum Ride fanfiction gone wrong. A parody._

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_**CASE #1 : MAXIMUM RIDE**  
_The Co-Dependent Whiner_

Maximum Ride—the savior of the world, if the mad scientists are to be believed. She's strong, smart, and can wipe the floor with ten baddies while smart-mouthing all of them into a coma. So _why_, people, do you insist on making her a whiny, nagging teenager with no identity outside of Fang?

In case you haven't noticed, Max is pretty independent. I'm a huge Fax shipper. I've written a ton of Fax stories. But get this—Max doesn't need Fang to feel worth anything. And she most definitely would not 1) attempt suicide to get back to Fang, 2) mope around for 20 years waiting for Fang, or 3) go clinically insane waiting for Fang. _Hello?_ Max did not just step out of a My Chemical Romance song, people. Believe it or not.

**Case In Point:**

"Max?" Gazzy called. There was no answer. Which was no surprise, since Max had taken to blasting emo music from her room and sobbing into one of Fang's old shirts for hours on end. In fact, everyone was so sick of Max ditching them to go cry that they voted Angel leader. Again.

"You know, I used to kind of like My Chemical Romance, but now I can't stand them," Nudge sighed, flipping through a copy of Vogue.

Max chose just that moment to open her door, her gallons of tears making her mascara smear (strange, since Max has never worn makeup before). She looked at the magazine and burst into loud, wailing cries. "_That's like the magazine Fang bought for you once_!" she cried pitifully. She then launched herself out the window in a bizarre suicide attempt. Which failed, given that the house they were staying in had one story. You'd think that Max, brilliant leader she was, would have thought of that. Apparently Fang had taken both the laptop and Max's IQ.

Gazzy sighed and opened the window. "Fang has a blog, you know. That you can comment on."

"_It just wouldn't be the saaaaaaame_!" Max wailed.

Iggy finally took pity on poor Max and taped her wings together and shoved her off the Grand Canyon. But, against any kind of believable odds, Fang suddenly swooped in from the other side of the country and saved her. Then they made out.

The end.

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SEE, FANDOM? SEE WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO?

Credit goes to _Pen Against Sword_ and _Mengde _from the FFVII fandom; I pirated this layout from them. They're cool.

-Akiko


	2. Fang

**OOC and Other Natural Disasters**

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****CASE #2 : FANG**  
_The Karaoke Superstar_

Ah, Fang. Cue fangirl squee. Fang is what keeps the female 12 to 18 demographic reading Maximum Ride. He's strong, silent, dark, and _flawed_. And as any realistic person knows, a flawed character is one we can love. You know what else is typical of Fang?

Breaking into song.

_WHY?_ Why, for the love of all that is holy, do 90% of Fax writers feel the need to put Fang up on the karaoke stage? Can anyone recall a time in the books where Fang has ever sung? Danced? _Hummed?_ No. Let's follow the writer's train of thought, here: _Hmmm, Fang is very quiet and serious. You know what else is quiet and serious? Singing cheesy love songs in front of hundreds of people!_

Fang. Does. Not. Sing. Not in real life, not in good fanfiction. He can sing in crappy fanfiction, if that's what you feel like writing.

**Case In Point:**

Dylan adjusted his microphone nervously. This was it! He was going to win Max over. Because Dylan knew that secretly, Max wanted to be serenaded in front of hundreds of people she didn't know. Because that's what every bird-kid paranoid of crowds wants, right? Of course!

Max walked into the bar. Somehow the Flock had turned into people who frequently clubbed and drank underage. Iggy ordered shots for everyone, then sat down. Dylan took a deep breath, preparing to launch into the pop rendition of "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, when suddenly, Fang pushed him off of the stage! He grabbed the mike and stared deeply into Max's eyes, conveying passion, love, raging lust, and the answers to the next day's crossword in his smoking obsidian orbs. "This one's for a… _special lady_," he breathed sexily. Then he opened his mouth and began to sing.

_These are block lyrics.__  
No one actually reads these lyrics.__  
Everyone skips over them.  
Maybe you'll read them, knowing this is a parody._

_If you read these lyrics,  
Include the words_  
_Spork Induced Melee__  
In your review._

Fang threw the microphone across the stage, because he's cool like that. Max leaped up and snapped out her wings dramatically. Never mind that it blew her cover. "Oh, _Fang!_" she shouted passionately. They then began eating each others faces off faster than a starving man devours a rack of barbecue ribs.

Dylan, meanwhile, was crying in a corner, because Fang's song was so moving.

The end.

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My fanfiction alerts all got turned off somehow. Reviewers will now get replies, instead of stony silence. Thanks.

-Akiko


	3. Iggy

**OOC and Other Natural Disasters**_  


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**CASE #3 : IGGY**  
_The Sex Addict_

Iggy. Iggy is just hilarious. Pull out funny lines of Maximum Ride, and you'll find that Iggy owns the majority of them. He's besties with Gazzy and yet also identifies with Fang. In addition to having supersonic senses, turning blindness into an asset, and being generally awesome, Iggy is also a mechanical genius who can build an explosive out of a box of Kleenex and three toothpicks.

But of course, none of these character traits matter. Why? Because Iggy is a hopeless sex addict.

Even though Iggy has made fewer sex jokes than I have fingers on my right hand, somehow he has earned the label of 'raging hormone case' of the group. In fact, Iggy is probably playing both Ella, Nudge, and Tess from Virginia! _At the same time!_ But none of this fawning female attention is enough for Iggy, who constantly feels the need to make ridiculously dirty jokes at every turn.

And Iggy also loves bacon. It's practically canon.

**Case In Point:**

"Gazzy, c'mere!" Iggy was stuffing handfuls of bacon in his face while looking at dirty magazines. "You've gotta see this!"

"Well, you can't!" Gazzy, ever insensitive to the handicap of his best friend, turned away. "I'm not looking at your nasty pictures."

"Fine," Iggy retorted, miffed. At that moment, Max and Fang returned from the kitchen with a box of cookies. "So," Iggy drawled. "Have fun in the kitchen?"

Fang looked at him. "We were just getting some Oreos."

"Yeah, I bet you got those Oreos, all right… _If you know what I mean!"_

Max popped one into her mouth. "Mm, this is delicious!"

"That's what she said!" Iggy burst into hysterical laughter. Max took the opportunity to smack him in the face and call him a sexist pig. Since Iggy is blind, he didn't even see the blow coming. He's practically defenseless.

Both Ella and Nudge raced to Iggy's side. "Please, Iggy," Ella begged. "You have to choose between us! One, or the other!"

Iggy sighed. "How about Ella Sunday through Tuesday, Nudge Wednesday through Friday, then Saturdays are—" Max smacked him again. Iggy's such a masochist.

"You know, Iggy," Fang said seriously, "there's more to life than sex and bacon."

Iggy looked contemplative. "Yeah, Fang?" He paused. "You're just saying that because you don't have either. Speaking of sex, have you gotten lucky yet?"

Max and Fang then lured Iggy into a cardboard box stuffed with bacon, taped the box shut, and shipped him to a brothel.

The end.

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Phoenix Fanatic: I actually have no problem with Iggy loving bacon. I think it should become canon.

-Akiko


	4. Nudge

**OOC and Other Natural Disasters**

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CASE #4 : NUDGE**  
_The One That Makes Your Ears Bleed_

If you looked in the dictionary under "Nudge," you'd find a picture of a bird kid talking a mile a minute. (Actually, you'd find "_a gentle push or jog_" but that's not my point.) Nudge is the tween girl that every group of kids needs. She brings a touch of fun and frivolity to the series, forcing everyone to stop wallowing in their dreary lives and try a little pop culture for once! Not only is Nudge the proverbial ray of sunshine, but she can turn into a hellion the moment an Eraser makes one false move. Remember the paint can incident in the first novel?

This is of course how Nudge is written by Patterson's pen. In Fanfiction terms, you'll hardly get a word in edgewide between her chatter and Justin Bebier iPod playlist that constantly repeats until you jump off a bridge to end it all.

Nudge reads Vogue, not American Girl and Twist magazine! And she sure doesn't spend all of her time fawning over Iggy. In fact, the only time she ever fawned over a guy was _Fang_ in volume two of the manga. But since we've already established Iggy as a player, we might as well add Nudge to the laundry list of women who'd like to do him.

**Case In Point:**

"Oh my GOSH! MAAAAAX!" Nudge squealed. She held out this pitch for thirty long seconds before taking a deep breath. "I…" Her voice suddenly dropped to a whisper. "I need to talk to you."

"What about?" Max sighed dramatically, reaching for another box of Kleenex. This was _so _cutting in on her emo-fest over Fang.

Nudge rolled her eyes. "Iggy, of course! I think there's a love triangle going on, and well, you seem to have problems with men…" Her words kept speeding up until she sounded like "Helium-Breathing Barbie" speaking Morse code. Max's brain overheated and she fainted, brains oozing out her ears. Nudge, who was too absorbed in her conversation, plowed on.

Then, Iggy walked in. Nudge immediately fell silent, looking anywhere but at his gorgeous, sightless blue orbs and luxurious strawberry-blonde hair. Because as everyone knows, Nudge is hopelessly in love with Iggy. That's why every time Iggy came near, Nudge would recede into a shell of herself and only pour out her feelings in a secret diary kept under her bed.

"Um… Nudge?" Iggy poked her in the shoulder. Nudge fainted dead away, dreaming of Robert Pattinson, Justin Bebier, and whether or not Kate Gosselin really should have been on "Dancing With the Stars."

The end.

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I suck at updating.

Any requests for the Gazzy or Angel chapters, let me know. And if you have any other characters you'd like me to try my hand at, leave those in your review too!

-Akiko


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